By the Freeway

I got what I wanted, again.

So why do I feel like this is right yet wrong? The unrealness disturbs me, like it'll go away- this I know. But will it go away all the way?
I think it's that unbearable feeling of knowing that you totally switched everything you had planned for and thought out. You're everything does not want to be wrong, and in fact no one wants to be wrong. I guess it's coming to grips with the reality of the unreal situation.

Otherwise, I'm happy. Maybe this is happiness. Feeling unreal when everything is quite real.

hm, what a beautiful feeling it is :)

Troke.
[on the bus mall.The Decemberists]

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

Joseph Campbell.

I Forgot the Second Verse

I'm extremely tired.

All the time.

I'd rather throw away my education

than commit suicide at this point.

And it's not just school.

I just don't think highly of life right now,

and because I'm always finding my way

back around,

I should just nip it in the bud.

But no one would know this. That's the thing some people don't understand about the internet- yes, one day someone you didn't want to see certain things will see things and then you'll regret; but then again, some corners no one ever explores. Some things will never be found. You say once something's on the internet, it's on there forever- where are all my old writings? You don't know?

Didn't think so.

Troke.
[s&m.Rihanna]

Man is born free and everywhere he is in chains.

Jean-Jacques Rousseau.

Andy Anderson

that is the most awesome name ever.

If you've ever had doubts about who you are- ultimately (I believe) you have NO FRIGGIN IDEA WHO YOU ARE.
But then, maybe you know...just stop trying to scare yourself.

Define yourself. That's what I want to do with myself- define myself.

Maybe I'm scared of over analyzation and I can't get pass the fact that the one person that loved me is more like a dream than a reality. I define my life as a diamond, only viewed in my perspective as broken glass. I wish I was beautiful. I wish I could be a model- but I'm not strong enough. My heart is just a heart, I have no emotional heart it seems. If I fall in love now, all I want to do is have sex. I drift out of life sometimes, that's when I come here. And I have no idea who I am.

I'm scared of rejection. I am scared of being lonely, well not really that but the mistake of finding my independence as loneliness.

I am a mess. A scary shit of a mess. But I'll live with it, I mean I have, so why stop now?

Troke.
[turn it off.Paramore]

Wizards are fun and I wish it was real.
J.K. Rowling.

People Change. Circumstances Change.

I think in circuits. I feel good, then crash, feel good then crash. I fall in love, I hate him, I fall in love...hate him.

Because I'm constantly going in circles do I ever approach anything? An endless nightmare.

sheesh.

Troke.

Discussion is an exchange of knowledge; argument is an exchange of ignorance

Robert Quillen.

Wake Up Quick

I found this new tumblr. The Proper Pothead

It's kinda a big deal.

Makes me happy. So I'll put it down in record so I remember it later. I am upset I deleted my first two blogs : P Bum move, I would've loved reading my old material- whatever.

My nail polish is coming off and I look like Mufasa. This might be me breaking into my girly side.

Troke.
[for a pessimist i'm pretty optimistic.Paramore]

Refuse to be average. Let your heart soar as high as it will.

A. W. Tozer.

A Trip To A Far Off Place

so I haven't been up here in forEVER.

so I should start by saying sorry- to of course me...or no one- no just me.

I've learned that life blocks out most of the good stuff for a while...no fair. But this is what I've earned for my lack of ambition and I think also my lack of emotion.

So big old brain of mine. What do you have in mind to say today?

I think that an extended essay in eleventh grade is the smartest thing ever. But to give it to such an undisciplined group- it is a FAILURE. Well, I'm still getting A's :) smile too Reader, this is an achievement for me.

I want to meet someone this week (Spring Break) that I fall in love with. That I find myself with.

I started talking to Marquis again :) talking to him makes me realize we can break each other- but we won't hold it against each other. And that's good too, shows we won't take each others crap and we won't go down without a fight...but I feel deep down inside one day we'll be back together in some random place, we could fall in love again and maybe when we're older we won't break each other again.

Good plan.

"If they could spend a day or two walking in someone else's shoes, I think they'd stumble and they'd fall."

Troke.
[lifestyles of the rich and the famous.Good Charlotte]

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

Jack Handy.

Keep Your Hopes Up High

The gravity has a constant acceleration. So how do we tend to fall faster more and more each day? It is because of the weight we carry on our shoulders.

I wish I had words to say. But I don't anymore. A fading belief in God, and an even worse faith in life itself.

This post is actually a combination of days btw.

I'm slowly realizing that maybe I'm coming to a close in hopes and fears. Two fictional things that can only exist when you make it so...so I'm allowing them to die. And maybe one day I will see a picture and realize "oh shit, maybe this was real." but unless I fall in love with the same guy for the third time, or fall in love with my best friend, or even meet someone that knocks me off my feet- I'll keep my feet planted, and live in Reality.

I don't write much anymore...it's dying because of school and people and things, ya know, nouns. But I'm happy to have recorded something. Because this is what it's all about- recording things.
I feel like I should rant about my latest rejection and Friend Zone shits...but eh.

Not enough time in the world for that.

Troke.
[i hate this part.The Pussycat Dolls]

"pudding wiener of doom: something used to rape little children"
Jack Wiener.