By the Freeway

I got what I wanted, again.

So why do I feel like this is right yet wrong? The unrealness disturbs me, like it'll go away- this I know. But will it go away all the way?
I think it's that unbearable feeling of knowing that you totally switched everything you had planned for and thought out. You're everything does not want to be wrong, and in fact no one wants to be wrong. I guess it's coming to grips with the reality of the unreal situation.

Otherwise, I'm happy. Maybe this is happiness. Feeling unreal when everything is quite real.

hm, what a beautiful feeling it is :)

Troke.
[on the bus mall.The Decemberists]

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

Joseph Campbell.

I Forgot the Second Verse

I'm extremely tired.

All the time.

I'd rather throw away my education

than commit suicide at this point.

And it's not just school.

I just don't think highly of life right now,

and because I'm always finding my way

back around,

I should just nip it in the bud.

But no one would know this. That's the thing some people don't understand about the internet- yes, one day someone you didn't want to see certain things will see things and then you'll regret; but then again, some corners no one ever explores. Some things will never be found. You say once something's on the internet, it's on there forever- where are all my old writings? You don't know?

Didn't think so.

Troke.
[s&m.Rihanna]

Man is born free and everywhere he is in chains.

Jean-Jacques Rousseau.

Andy Anderson

that is the most awesome name ever.

If you've ever had doubts about who you are- ultimately (I believe) you have NO FRIGGIN IDEA WHO YOU ARE.
But then, maybe you know...just stop trying to scare yourself.

Define yourself. That's what I want to do with myself- define myself.

Maybe I'm scared of over analyzation and I can't get pass the fact that the one person that loved me is more like a dream than a reality. I define my life as a diamond, only viewed in my perspective as broken glass. I wish I was beautiful. I wish I could be a model- but I'm not strong enough. My heart is just a heart, I have no emotional heart it seems. If I fall in love now, all I want to do is have sex. I drift out of life sometimes, that's when I come here. And I have no idea who I am.

I'm scared of rejection. I am scared of being lonely, well not really that but the mistake of finding my independence as loneliness.

I am a mess. A scary shit of a mess. But I'll live with it, I mean I have, so why stop now?

Troke.
[turn it off.Paramore]

Wizards are fun and I wish it was real.
J.K. Rowling.

People Change. Circumstances Change.

I think in circuits. I feel good, then crash, feel good then crash. I fall in love, I hate him, I fall in love...hate him.

Because I'm constantly going in circles do I ever approach anything? An endless nightmare.

sheesh.

Troke.

Discussion is an exchange of knowledge; argument is an exchange of ignorance

Robert Quillen.

Wake Up Quick

I found this new tumblr. The Proper Pothead

It's kinda a big deal.

Makes me happy. So I'll put it down in record so I remember it later. I am upset I deleted my first two blogs : P Bum move, I would've loved reading my old material- whatever.

My nail polish is coming off and I look like Mufasa. This might be me breaking into my girly side.

Troke.
[for a pessimist i'm pretty optimistic.Paramore]

Refuse to be average. Let your heart soar as high as it will.

A. W. Tozer.

A Trip To A Far Off Place

so I haven't been up here in forEVER.

so I should start by saying sorry- to of course me...or no one- no just me.

I've learned that life blocks out most of the good stuff for a while...no fair. But this is what I've earned for my lack of ambition and I think also my lack of emotion.

So big old brain of mine. What do you have in mind to say today?

I think that an extended essay in eleventh grade is the smartest thing ever. But to give it to such an undisciplined group- it is a FAILURE. Well, I'm still getting A's :) smile too Reader, this is an achievement for me.

I want to meet someone this week (Spring Break) that I fall in love with. That I find myself with.

I started talking to Marquis again :) talking to him makes me realize we can break each other- but we won't hold it against each other. And that's good too, shows we won't take each others crap and we won't go down without a fight...but I feel deep down inside one day we'll be back together in some random place, we could fall in love again and maybe when we're older we won't break each other again.

Good plan.

"If they could spend a day or two walking in someone else's shoes, I think they'd stumble and they'd fall."

Troke.
[lifestyles of the rich and the famous.Good Charlotte]

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

Jack Handy.

Keep Your Hopes Up High

The gravity has a constant acceleration. So how do we tend to fall faster more and more each day? It is because of the weight we carry on our shoulders.

I wish I had words to say. But I don't anymore. A fading belief in God, and an even worse faith in life itself.

This post is actually a combination of days btw.

I'm slowly realizing that maybe I'm coming to a close in hopes and fears. Two fictional things that can only exist when you make it so...so I'm allowing them to die. And maybe one day I will see a picture and realize "oh shit, maybe this was real." but unless I fall in love with the same guy for the third time, or fall in love with my best friend, or even meet someone that knocks me off my feet- I'll keep my feet planted, and live in Reality.

I don't write much anymore...it's dying because of school and people and things, ya know, nouns. But I'm happy to have recorded something. Because this is what it's all about- recording things.
I feel like I should rant about my latest rejection and Friend Zone shits...but eh.

Not enough time in the world for that.

Troke.
[i hate this part.The Pussycat Dolls]

"pudding wiener of doom: something used to rape little children"
Jack Wiener.

Don't Be Afraid.

Falling down a hole? I think...

I hate feeling undesirable. It is as if everything around me dissolved; I just don't know where my life went. I remember having happiness, having such joy. Nothing makes me happy anymore. And I'm cruel, have you ever felt cruel? Well, if not, it is when your heart blocks out everything and your head darkens even the lightest parts of your head, and slowly but surely, you loose the color in your open-mindedness, then loose the faith you had before, and finally, loose love.

Really. This blog has turned into a personal life story. So I feel I should add a picture of how I'm feeling to each of these. Maybe for later. Because of course- I'm talking to myself.

Android won't update on my phone. So no angry birds- which makes me, an angry bird.

fuck this shit.

Troke.
[home.Brian McKnight]

What is the point in being alive if you don't at least try to do something remarkable?
John Green.

[hayley williams of Paramore; Final Riot Tour August 2008; photo cred: me]

You Know What They Say.

Another day another...dollar?

I'm unemployed. But I want a car...how does this correlate? Where does one get off at acquiring something worth fighting for...or worth the labor to obtain money.

Maybe that's not what I came to talk about. I like someone. I like him a LOT. Well, not really, but it's enough to actually talk to someone and be like, "whoa, you get me and I get you."

Well I don't wanna talk about that either.

-__________________________________________________________-

Troke.

just go here and the Taylor Swift of Blogs will be at your fingertips.

icanread.tumblr.com

The Dawn Left Me Blind

Where does the idea: to be reach its fork in the road?

As I sit here listening to florence + the machine I've realize the crucial importance of love. Whether we give it or receive or just leave it alone. Where can I find it though? In high school, the one thing we think we can find is love. But it's so slippery so hard to catch...and is it really catching we're doing, or is it that we stumble upon these things.

If you've never been in love as a child, here's how it goes: you see him/her, you don't know why but you feel something, soon you become unbelievably comfortable, then voila! love.

-______________________________________________________-

OK, that crude description is NOT how it goes haha, but for most people you meet someone you really REALLY like. Someone that will be there all the time...Well I don't think it's the process I sat down to talk about. I wanted to know how you KEEP it together. How you pull up your pants and buckle down to business and actually make it work.

Maybe we should stop searching for love, just stop it. If we enjoy the period of individuality, we may gain tolerance which is necessary in a relationship. We gain respect, virtues that are necessary in a healthy relationship. Also we find ourselves, we find who we are, what we want...blah blah blah.

My worst fear: Waiting. Waiting then nothing comes. My parents tell me there will be so many guys throughout life. But I want him NOW! Another thing we need to work on people: patience. What my parents said will most likely be true, and why am I worrying? I'm too young to feel as if I need someone else to take care of me and someone I need to take care of. I mean I have two parents and three siblings and my friends that love me so so so so much, why do I need that extra?

Most likely, I need that extra to feel extraordinary. It's hard being normal, OK looking, and best friends with one of the most gorgeous people anyone will ever see. I just want that one person to pop up and be like HERE I AM! But as I said earlier, patience.

And maybe, in the end I'll be A.O.K.

Troke.
[the girl you never knew.Georgia Wonder]

The essence of life is finding something you really love and then making the daily experience worthwhile.

Denis Waitley.

Big Scary Dragons

It's the fact that we know mythical creatures can be defeated is what keeps us going every day.

As I've said multiple times on and off the screen: this is my Living chapter. This is where I really get grinding on who I am. I don't know, it just happened.

Today. I think. My heart was broken again. It's a different way each time, that's why it hurts. They say the first cut is the deepest; well how about this- that may be the deepest but it's sure as hell still going to hurt when you cut somewhere else! It's called pain transfer (Troke terminology). Instead of thinking about how you suck in school, let's see how you take it when your boyfriend decides to cheat on you and leave you. Aren't thinking about those grades anymore are ya? Well, still that doesn't work and it makes a massive pool of, well, pain. No one ever asked for this, so trust me,  you're not alone.

I thought if I fell again, it would be because I tripped, not because someone or something pushed me down. I'm just so reckless right now. I have ruined my chances of a high school sweetheart by destroying my soul link to light, and I'm in darkness once again. Sadly the difference is I'll probably not be depressed where I'm crying and sleeping; more like insomnia, eating, and drinking.

My worst fear: I end up smoking- cigarettes.

I think I'll be fine, it's one of those phases we all go through right? If anyone reads this, I'm pretty sure it'll be the reaction we all get when we searched for porn and found Miley Cyrus instead.

Hm, that's really not attractive.

Troke.
[i want you.Kings of Leon]

Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.
G.K. Chesterton.

Take Control

with or without doubt, we breathe, we live.

It always makes me feel a little sad when I'm around people and suddenly I think about everything, where I am, who I'm with, what makes me happy really. And seeing everyone else happy, I would just freeze that moment in time. He who does not know himself...well, you truly are happy, to have a goal in life.

It always depresses me a little when I realize where I am, realize how my life truly is, and is it wrong to be aware- no. But what is it that keeps me from seeing the bright side of things on the sunny side? Where is the line that I crossed that I don't know why I'm still here, why I'm still living?

Perspective- I am one in over a billion people here on Earth. About a million others have felt the same as I have, not to mention those not accounted for. Most would stop and realize that they hate life. They hate the fact that life just ends, not here, but in some dark future setting. But no, hopefully, most of us realize that we don't always get what we want. The silver lining is there, and this is it. The moments you get to laugh, love, LIVE, those are your moments to hold. You have to set them apart from each other in order to truly understand the caliber of your life compared, really, to someone else.

it's all in how you see it.

Troke.
[california king bed.Rihanna]

Blow the dust off the clock. Your watches are behind the times. Throw open the heavy curtains which are so dear to you -- you do not even suspect that the day has already dawned outside.

Alexander Solzhenitsyn.

Hostage.

if it's one thing or another, it's always the other.

So, New Year's, it was nice. I had a million people saying that they'd change and things were gonna be different, but what's different? Nothing, some things are better with consistency. I'd rather you'd stay who you are and changed because you wanted to, not because some imaginary system has made you do so.
That's the thing. We change on others or something else's circumstances. What we want, we want because we see it within someone else's grab. Wouldn't I be happy if I had what they have? Or felt what they felt? So let me do the same thing as them...

It's easy to hold on to a dream, easy to hold onto repetition. But what makes us who we are is what we know can break us. This year and any other time in our lives from this point on should be about becoming by breaking. Who are you really? And if you're sure of who you are, check again. Overconfidence only leads to doubt and doubt leads us down a dark unnecessary hole of things we probably don't want to experience, let alone for those who are experiencing deja vu.

So stop holding on so tightly to broken windows, which only leave you with broken glass and cut palms. I, personally, think of letting my conscience be my guide. In this case I feel pretty good about what I'm saying haha, whether the reader does or not- perspective will always be put before what's right or wrong.

This week, is good.

Troke.

I see it all perfectly; there are two possible situations - one can either do this or that. My honest opinion and my friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it - you will regret both.

Soren Kierkegaard.